Life with the Atkinsons: Breakfast

Me: Kiiiiimmmm… will you turn that bloody radio down.

Kim: Eh?

Me: I said, will you turn that radio down, you're doing my head in!

Kim: (dancing like a demented stick insect to the inane 'rythmn' of some hip-hop rubbish on Radio 1… *Black Widow Baby, yeeeaaaahhh!*) - (attempting to 'sing' at the same time)… 

Me: Last week you murdered Rollin' in the Deep by Adele, and if you carry on caterwauling you'll be rolling in something and it will be very deep!

K: *Black widda, black widda… whistle, whistle* (demented dervish moves in kitchen the size of a postage stamp)

Me: *SIGH* I am going to get ready for my Spa Day with the girls.

K: Eh?

Me: I said 'Do we have any Sugar Puffs left?'

K: No… but there's Crunchy Grainy Stuff and that muesli shit you like to sharpen your tongue on… ooh! OR…

(Drum roll while he remembers what the round, yellowy orange thing is called)

ORRR… there's GRAPEFRUIT! If you like I can do it like the chef on telly.

Me: What chef on telly? Tom thingy? Jamie wotsit? Marco Pierre God Complex White?

Kim: No… that other one… the nice old lady.

Me: (puzzled look, already thinking he's lost the plot and it's not even 10am)

Kim: MARY HOLLYWOOD…

Me: God forgive me for what I'm about to do with this spoon…

Kim: 'ang on, I'll get me blowtorch 

Me: (worried) What the feck do you need a blowtorch for…

Kim: To caramelise the sugar

Me: Sugar?

Kim: On the grapefruit, you twonk!

Me: But I don't want sugar on the grapefruit. I don't even want grapefruit. I'll eat later…

Kim: (already out of the door, slipping in mud, pissing down rain) It's ok. I'll get it…

Me: (standing in dressing gown waiting for the penny to drop) Anyway, Real Chefs use incey wincey culinary things, not friggin' industrial sized rocket launchers, for god's sake!

Kim: Oh fuck… the van!

Me: (Mrs Smug of Smugville)… yes… I know… the van is at the garage and all your stuff is in it. Never mind sweetheart. The thought was there…

Kim: Do you want toast?

Me: Not hungry any more… come in, you're getting wet and if you tread mud all over my best rug, I'll theg your face in!!!

And so, to the Spa… I need it!!! 

Life with the Atkinsons : Christmas Shopping

Well, when I say Christmas Shopping, what I mean is we went to get Kim something he's wanted for a while, and when I told him I wanted to get it for him he almost wee'd himself with excitement. ( Are we SURE there is not a Chinese Zodiac sign for a Dog? He displays all the same characteristics… haha)

On the way there, we had A Conversation. This is rare in our house nowadays due to age and deterioration of the 'listening muscle' in both of us. 

Me: You know that Hudl thing you were on about?

K: Yeah? 

Me: Are you going to get one?

K: Weeellll… I'm not sure. I'd love one, but we need money for Christmas and stuff.

(We don't really 'do' Xmas and he does keep reminding me we're not going wild with money and presents, but whatever!)

Me: We don't need money for Christmas, but I shan't mention it again. However… WHICH one did you want?

K: (Looking wistfully through the window as if to say 'dream on, Kim lad… never in a zillion years will you get what you want while they still sell perfume, shoes, lippy and bags') 

K: I would really like the Hudl.2… blah-de-blah, drone-drone-drone, blither, blather… information overload, technical jargon, nothing in there at all about chocolate… zzzzz

Me: (Losing the will to live…) I only wanted to know whether it was One or Two, I didn't want the life story of Steve Jobs for god's sake…

K: (panting and wagging his tail) I was only saying… anyway, this new one does this and that and ….. (more panting and wagging)

Me: Whoa… okay. Nuff info. I'm taking you to town tomorrow to get one… did you hear me? Kim, get off the floor and stop being a twat… 

K: Hysteria setting in… WHAT? YOU MEAN IT? REALLY? OMG! OMG! REALLY… (etc, etc)

Me: I mean it. Happy Whatever darling.. you are worth it.

On the way to Tesco, the conversation has never been so animated. I didn't realise he could actually talk! Bloody hell…

K: So, when we've got it, can we come straight home and play with it?

Me: (Woman to the core, with 2nd Agenda in back of mind) Yes, of course my love… I might just need to pop to Debenhams and Boots on the way back…

K: Not more fucking mascara? You've got a gallon and a half upstairs.

Me: No I haven't. They've all dried up now.

K: Well why are they empty cases still up there?

Me: To remind me I've run out…

K: Only a woman.. only a woman… (banging head against windscreen)… well, after that, I NEED TO EAT. I'm bloody starving. We need to get home quickly.

Me: (Not to be done out of the chance to divest his wallet of its contents) Stop that right now. You do not have malnutrition and you will survive another hour so stop being so bloody dramatic.

K: What are we having when we get home?

Me: I thought bagels, with cream cheese and Pancetta and a dash of lime pickle?

K: (Drooling like Pavlov's Dog) This is painful Jay. You don't understand. My mouth is watering now. Don't talk about food…

Me: You started it! I can go for a fortnight on a triangle of Toblerone. I'm not arsed about food like you are. I eat to live, not live to eat.

K: How are you going to cook it?

Me: What?

K: The pancetta. How are you doing it?

Me: The same way I've done it since we've been married! 

K: Oh, I didn't know if you knew how to do it as I usually cook the bacon.

Me: You are on very dangerous ground now, Mister Atkinson. I am 58 years old and I know how to cook bloody pancetta! Tell you what, when we get home, you play with your Hudl and I'll fuck up the pancetta, the same way I've done since we got married, and you will comment as usual, That's the best food I've ever tasted… fucking marriage made in Heaven, pancetta, Philly, lime pickle and bagels… Specially the ones with sesame seeds on them… OMG! I'm drooling again.

Me: You drool on my car seats and I'll mel your head in! 

Tesco was lovely… the assistants were all in Jolly Holly mode and we danced to 'HAPPY' whilst paying for the New Man Toy.

Kim has never looked happier, but I couldn't get any sense out of him for 3 hours… Guess it's a Happy Christmas in our house!

Bah Humbug!

Life with The Atkinsons: The Conversation

I have decided that my husband and I are definitely going down the pan, mentally… our conversations get more ridiculous each day:

Kim: I've seen a film that looks good

Me: Ooh, what is it?

Kim: I can't remember but it's about a couple who are married and then they have to … erm, I can't remember but I think it's got Meryl Streep in it

Me: Was it on Netflix or did you see a trailer?

Kim: I can't remember. But I think it's Billy Bob Thornton in it with her

(Several hours of searching - well, it seemed that way - and nothing even comes close)

Me: Did you look yesterday or today or the other day, hun?

Kim: I'm bored now. I can't remember. I can't have this conversation. Fuck it we'll watch something else

Me: (Taurus, stubborn, pedantic) No. We are going to bloody well find it now. Can't you remember where or when it was set?

Kim: (Filling the coal scuttle) La la la la la

Me: One more time… (searches Safari history)… I've found some of the things you looked at 2 days ago. Is this the one? Called Hope Springs?

Kim: Ooh, I dunno… might be. Is Billy Bob Thornton in it?

Me: No, but Tommy Lee Jones is. Oh, AND Meryl Streep. 

Kim: THAT's the bugger!!! I knew she was in it. I knew it was him…

Me: (Losing the will to live, banging head against wall….) Anyway, we've seen it. We don't want to watch it again. 

Kim: I haven't seen it. Maybe you went with Tracy or your sister.

Me: No. We definitely went together… you have seen this movie.

Kim: Well I don't remember. I do remember us going to see that other one.

Me: What other one?

Kim: That one with wotsername in it…

Me: Who?

Kim: You know… that woman that was in the other thing you like on telly…

Me: What… Downton Abbey

Kim: No. The other thing. Something to do with astrology?

Me: Astrology? Are you mad?

Kim: Anyway, sod the film… footie's on later. Do you want a cup of tea with that Valium? hee hee

I have a sneaky feeling it will only get worse… xxx