Well, when I say Christmas Shopping, what I mean is we went to get Kim something he's wanted for a while, and when I told him I wanted to get it for him he almost wee'd himself with excitement. ( Are we SURE there is not a Chinese Zodiac sign for a Dog? He displays all the same characteristics… haha)
On the way there, we had A Conversation. This is rare in our house nowadays due to age and deterioration of the 'listening muscle' in both of us.
Me: You know that Hudl thing you were on about?
K: Yeah?
Me: Are you going to get one?
K: Weeellll… I'm not sure. I'd love one, but we need money for Christmas and stuff.
(We don't really 'do' Xmas and he does keep reminding me we're not going wild with money and presents, but whatever!)
Me: We don't need money for Christmas, but I shan't mention it again. However… WHICH one did you want?
K: (Looking wistfully through the window as if to say 'dream on, Kim lad… never in a zillion years will you get what you want while they still sell perfume, shoes, lippy and bags')
K: I would really like the Hudl.2… blah-de-blah, drone-drone-drone, blither, blather… information overload, technical jargon, nothing in there at all about chocolate… zzzzz
Me: (Losing the will to live…) I only wanted to know whether it was One or Two, I didn't want the life story of Steve Jobs for god's sake…
K: (panting and wagging his tail) I was only saying… anyway, this new one does this and that and ….. (more panting and wagging)
Me: Whoa… okay. Nuff info. I'm taking you to town tomorrow to get one… did you hear me? Kim, get off the floor and stop being a twat…
K: Hysteria setting in… WHAT? YOU MEAN IT? REALLY? OMG! OMG! REALLY… (etc, etc)
Me: I mean it. Happy Whatever darling.. you are worth it.
On the way to Tesco, the conversation has never been so animated. I didn't realise he could actually talk! Bloody hell…
K: So, when we've got it, can we come straight home and play with it?
Me: (Woman to the core, with 2nd Agenda in back of mind) Yes, of course my love… I might just need to pop to Debenhams and Boots on the way back…
K: Not more fucking mascara? You've got a gallon and a half upstairs.
Me: No I haven't. They've all dried up now.
K: Well why are they empty cases still up there?
Me: To remind me I've run out…
K: Only a woman.. only a woman… (banging head against windscreen)… well, after that, I NEED TO EAT. I'm bloody starving. We need to get home quickly.
Me: (Not to be done out of the chance to divest his wallet of its contents) Stop that right now. You do not have malnutrition and you will survive another hour so stop being so bloody dramatic.
K: What are we having when we get home?
Me: I thought bagels, with cream cheese and Pancetta and a dash of lime pickle?
K: (Drooling like Pavlov's Dog) This is painful Jay. You don't understand. My mouth is watering now. Don't talk about food…
Me: You started it! I can go for a fortnight on a triangle of Toblerone. I'm not arsed about food like you are. I eat to live, not live to eat.
K: How are you going to cook it?
Me: What?
K: The pancetta. How are you doing it?
Me: The same way I've done it since we've been married!
K: Oh, I didn't know if you knew how to do it as I usually cook the bacon.
Me: You are on very dangerous ground now, Mister Atkinson. I am 58 years old and I know how to cook bloody pancetta! Tell you what, when we get home, you play with your Hudl and I'll fuck up the pancetta, the same way I've done since we got married, and you will comment as usual, That's the best food I've ever tasted… fucking marriage made in Heaven, pancetta, Philly, lime pickle and bagels… Specially the ones with sesame seeds on them… OMG! I'm drooling again.
Me: You drool on my car seats and I'll mel your head in!
Tesco was lovely… the assistants were all in Jolly Holly mode and we danced to 'HAPPY' whilst paying for the New Man Toy.
Kim has never looked happier, but I couldn't get any sense out of him for 3 hours… Guess it's a Happy Christmas in our house!
Bah Humbug!
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